My elder sister, the first child to my parents, was very pretty child. When I was growing up all I heard was how beautiful she was when a child and also the comparison between the siblings. Somewhere deep inside me was the constant dread of rejection. It is the exterior that always speaks first. But gradually my wits started to show and my father found in me a capability to match his wits. I don’t even remember when and how beauty was something that I tried compensating with intelligence. But looking back, I am able to see clearly the hard truth about my feelings even today. What was the reason that I scrubbed my face so hard with a pumice stone one day, if it was not to become as fair as my elder sister was!
I remember very clearly that later as a student of English literature when I read George Eliots’s “Mill on the Floss”, I was somehow captivated by the Maggie’s character as somewhere deep inside me I tried identifying with her. Her description in black gown where she looked stunning enough for the fashionable women to notice her and also to win the heart of the man betrothed to Lucy her fair cousin, gave me such delight. What was that if it was not sibling rivalry!
Here again I had strange mix of feelings—whereas on the outer side I pretended to be very casual about my looks, deep inside was a little girl craving to catch attention.
When my mom would take us to her mother’s home during vacation when our place would be extremely cold, I would be the happiest of all. I would move around the lonely places in the village pretending to be a heroine of some film shooting for some shots. I would think myself to be extremely good looking at that time and would imagine myself to be watched by someone with a camera and therefore always to be on my guards.
I could never find any answer to that as to why would I behave in that manner. Was I an abnormal child? It was recently while reading Paul Cohelo’s The Alchemist that I was able to find some answer to my behavior that was not at all odd by his standards. Perhaps the film director that I thought of watching me was my guardian angle that I never knew about. Talking to myself about various imaginary situations was in fact having a conversation with the REAL ME—or my guardian angle!
Even at that time I had a different exterior and a different interior. There always has been a conflict of a sort between both my personas.
Though I could never be as pretty as my sister was thought to be but in effort to make up for my not-so-good looks, I started behaving in a very odd manner. Once my uncle was asking my sister and a cousin to recite the table of 13 that they didn’t remember, and I was just waiting for my chance to show them their worth and I recited correctly the Table of 13 whereas I was much younger to both of them. And it was the day that I understood that between beauty and brains, it is always the brain that is the ultimate winner.
The only consolation that I had regarding my superiority over my sister was that the color of my eyes was brown whereas she had cat eyes in green shade. As in Indian context, the green eyes were not considered very beautiful and in her childhood she was the butt of much remarks when dealing with quarreling pals, just on the basis of her cat eyes!
And here would enter the Night to save the damsel in distress—who else but me. The masculine persona, a tomboyish behavior of mine would save her and earn her gratitude. Here too I am able to see unmistakably a pattern that would later develop in my personality i.e. to jump in all the problems just to show others about my power as a person but inside me still remained the same frail, weak and insecure girl who wanted to be pampered and be taken care of! Why would I not cry like ordinary girls and would seek a comforting hand?
And today when I look at the kind of persons that both of us sisters have turned out to be, I am thankful to God for having made me at least tough from the outer side whereas my dear sister was weak both from the exterior as well as the interior and the life being cruel, has shown its true colors.
Well about her in some other post......