While reading the blogs written by me in this self exploration exercise, I have come to a stark realization that I am still trying to attract sympathy of invisible reader for projecting myself as a basically weak person. But am I really like that?

In this context another memory comes flooding to my mind. It is about the relationship with my father that I enjoyed the most during my childhood. He would read to me endless stories from the Puranas and mythologies and with rapt attention, I would sit cuddled in his lap spellbound by the stories of the eras gone by.

One particular story that made me the kind of person that I turned out to be, is still fresh in my mind. It was about a person who stood bewildered under a tree in a thick forest and on being asked by a passer-by, he tells that he had a dream where he was directed to go to the tallest tree in the forest and to jump from its highest point, and he would see GOD. This man was in a fix—if he jumps and still does not find GOD—of what use this dream would be to him and moreover what if he dies in the process?

The other person gave him some counsel and money as well and the first one goes away, without realizing his dream. Now the second person starts thinking that if this is really the direction of the GOD to find him, why not to take the chance and up he goes and jumps from the tree. The miracle happens and the GOD appears and saves his life.
When I heard this story, my heart was filled with pride and appreciation for the second man –pride because he belonged to the warrior class to which we also belonged and I felt proud to carry the legacy of courage. I was full of appreciation, as I had learnt that one has to take risks to get something and nothing worthwhile comes for free—you have to pay the price for realizing your dreams!

I never knew that this story had made such mark on me had it not been for a strange but true incident in my life when I was barely 3-4 years old. While playing with some children who were much older than me, I took up the challenge to jump from the window of a two-storied house as I staunchly believed that like the above-mentioned story, I would be saved by GOD. I jumped out and the result was a broken pelvic girdle!

Now this sudden spurt of emotions in my being is again putting me in a fix—am I really the frail, weak and pathetic from inside or strong, and powerful. It seems that as a female, I craved for pampering and being looked after but as a person, I was much better than many of the cringing males that I have seen. So what is real ME?

Am I just bound by the boundaries of my physical limitations and crave for support or on the other hand as a human being free from all such boundaries, I am a strong person- what my daughter calls her role model!

And if she thinks me to be worthy of emulation, it is a compliment that stands much merit as compared to a part of me still craving for support.

Or is it that I have not been able to outgrow my infancy and hence the vunerability?