THE REAL ME...

To live life on my own terms, hadbeen the guiding principle of my life ever since I remember. Did you notice the use of "had been" in the sentence? How could aguiding principle ever change for aperson? Is it theperson who changes or is it the principle that undergoes change as the life goes on---who knows?

Looking back at my life, I find consolation in the fact that whatever I have done in my life has been on my own conditions and terms, though many a times, I didn't even had the requisite attributes to back me up! But I never compromised and God has been really merciful to have filled me with a rare strength, that I never knew I posessed, at the moment when I really needed it.

It was the time when my matrimonial alliancewas thehot topic of the family. A girl without a full degree in hand, had to be somehow married off. Imagine that girl still having her own say to have a husbandat her own conditions! No dowry please, was the first thing that had to be there if some marriage alliance was even to be started. Theparents were aghast at the bleak prospects that this condition might lead to. Luckily, a boy having a similar kind of notion appeared on htescene and the marriage proposal bloomed into a reality. The girl in question had her own ideals to be followed in totality. And her terms and conditions went a step further. In no uncertain terms, she made it clear to the boy whather idea about a simple marriage was. If there was not to be any dowry, then there surely not to beany gifts from the grooms side to the b brideas well. She argued that when the financial burden was on both the parties, why only the bride's party got a sympathetic treatment and dowry wasdecried as an evil whereas no eye was raised when gold and gifts from the groom's family were happily acknowledged as a right?

Everyone tried making sense to the girl for her foolish arguments by saying that the ornaments go back to the groom's home even when they are gifted to the bride and such aa refusal would deprive her of the gold that she may not ever be able to buy in whole of her family! But adamant as she was, it had to be the way she wanted it to be and away she went to her husband's hoome carrying happiness and a gream of a contended life!

She had a fulfilled life, never regretting for a moment the decision that she had taken. Life was peaceful. A loving husband, three doting kids and a satisfying career--what else could anyone ask for?

THen the life took anew turn. Her daughter was of marriagiable age. The mother had cherished a dream to get her daughter married off in a way that would be different from the others. A simple and elegant ceremony, with love flowing everywhere. She had planned to hand make all ht invites to give her personal touch to the love she had for her first daughter. A soul soothing music, the banana leaves decorating the entrance, the freshly done floor covered with alpana designs..............the list was endless.

But it needs two parties to make a decision aboutsuch matters. The big turn came when the finalizing of the prospective marriage alliance atarted to take place.

The harsh stark reality of life stared hard at her. It was not to be theway she had always wanted it to be! The way she had nourished some dreams for her daughter, the boy's mother had also weaved some dreams for the marriage of her only son. The catch was that the drreams of both the mothers were at the opposite ends. If for one it was simplicity and elegance, for the other it was lavish and crude.

The hard fact that came to be learnt was that compromise is another name for LIFE! When it comes to our own life, we do not make copromise at any cost, if we have the strength to face the consequences, but when it comes to the life of our children, we have to make compromises and sacrifice our preciously held principles.

Why is life so cruel? Why does it teach you some lessons of life making you pay such a heavy price for it? Why I had to be so adamant in following my principles, if one day I would be forced by life to shed them for my children?

I must seek an answer to this.

A friend of my daughter introduced us to the book "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari". It was not that I had not heard of the book but the fact that even after reading a motivating book, I remain what I am, and most of the ideas expressed in these books are the common ideas that have really become so uncommon in the present day world, that we need some smart writers to awaken us from the slumber and pay attention towards them, withheld me from reading it. But I have started with the book and need to write down my personal feeligs about some parts of it before actually finishing the book as by the time I will finish reading it, my own ideas would be sigarcoated by the wisdom of the writer and henceforth, I would be using it in my talks and preferably passing them as my own, "second hander" that I am!

So the writer says,"Once you have identified what your weaknesses are, the next step is to face them head on and attack your fears."

Now that is really interesting. If this is one of the secrets of Kaizen, I would like to see my life in retrospect and find whether I faced my worst fears or not? And what was the change that it brought about in me?

I was not a good looking girl during my childhood and my worst fears were regarding my looks and more so as I had a quite pretty elder sister to be always compated with. Anyone can imagine the kind of pressure and low self-esteem that I grew up with so far this weekness is concerened. Today, I may say that looks are not within your hands and there is nothing to be ashamed of the looks you are born with but all these homilies seem illogical to a young mind filled with negative self-image.

I faced this worst fear of my life when I applied for the job of an Airhostess in Indian airlines when I was just eighteen! Anshu asked me one day, with disdain, how could I ever think of applying for such a career? Looking back, I find the answer lay in facing the worst fears about my physical self, and proving them wrong, if not to anyone else, to my real self. Yes, this was what drove me to get this career. My father, a doting figure that he always was to me, took me to Hyderabad for the priliminary interview and thereafter to Madras for the final interwiew. The selection was an answer to having faced my fears and having come out successfully. Now let me see how Kazien had been at work in this case. As Kazien is nothing but continuous self improvement and I applied it to one part of my life, though I never knew that there is kind of label to this act of mine. If it results in continuous self-improvemen, how was it possible that simply after achieving an affirmation about my looks, I became indifferent towards it! After my marriage, at quite a young age, whole of my energy shifted towards facing another of my dreadful fears and that related to my being not a very successful person on the academic front

Another Kazien started! While in college, I could not complete my bachelor's degree in Scienes because of a reappear in chemistry that I was not able to clear. Engaged to a person who was unaware of my incomplete degree, was a constant burden on my conscience which finally was released when I told him about my failure in academics. Taking this shocking news in his stride, for which I remain constantly indebted to him, he married me. As the worst failure of my life at this point of time was in academics, so I started to face it with whatever little courage I was left with. And the result was astounding by all means. Even I was taken aback by the potential that I had and litrally had "awakened the giant within".

What followed next, is termed by people even today as nothing short of a miracle! For seven times, in a row, I successfully competed in the Himachal Administrative Services Examination, and faced the interview. Though could never make it in the interview but the fact that I had faced my worst fears about my academic failures and had proved once again to people around me as well as to my ownself about the potential of my mind, made me really think about me in a different light.

But what all this has led to? This is the question that needs to be answered honestly today.

When I proved my mettle at mental fronts or was a winner even at competing where physical self mattered, how has it changed me as a person?
Having proved my worth at the airhostess competition, I became indiffernt towards the way I looked. I have become very casual in my looks and don't even care about how I look.

On the other hand, my success at the aademic front, made me realise the unbounded potential that lay within and this might be the reason that even today I think of learning a new subject and attain position in all matters where intellect is put to a test. Am I not doing it just to prove myself my own worth? And how does it make me strive for continuous self improvement? Kazien?

I know of many others who are doing the same. Kazien--but what for? To prove it to my ownself or to prove to the people around me of my potential. Don't I do it most of the time to get personal satisfaction in having achieved something that others sometimes can only dream of?

Am I not wasting myself chasing something called "self-improvement" when I know that to the people who really love me, I am acceptable even with the shades of blacks and greys? My husband, who agreed to marry me even when he knew that I was not up to mark for him, made me realise that as humans we may not be perfect but perfect is the person who accepts others having imperfections!

Though, KS, that is my dear life partner, does not read books, it is his counsel that I have come to depend upon as what he has in abundance is "common sense" this is so uncommon to find in the present day world. Any one can quote from the books to impress the impressionable minds and be considered a perfectionist but the real perfectionists are a class apart. Thankyou dear for making me what I am today!